Unrequited Love

I am not an expert on Love, but I am an expert on "Unrequited love". I know that I want that intimate bond and attraction that occurs so rarely and lasts a lifetime with that one person in a monogamous relationship. But, I sure seem to have been "The Goodbye Girl" most of my life. I can feel that great feeling of bonding with that special man that I run on the beach with and share intimacy while having a picnic on a blanket as elusive to me as reaching for that brass ring on a spinning Merry Go Round. It seems like not only can I not reach it, but I cannot get off the ride.  We all know how we can feel when we cross over that very fine line from love to almost obsession about a man/woman,  and we give up a small peice of ourselves just to make him/her happy. Soon, we do not even know where we end and they begin. After years of relationships that were not great, not abusive , but with some definitely emotionally unavailable qualities in a seemingly nice man, I had to take a step back and understand my own patterns and that I do have choices. I am learning just when to stay and when I need to go. I also realize no decision or choice is without pain or drawbacks. And, no decision is definitely an option when I do not know what to do. In fact, at that time especially, I do nothing.  It is extremely difficult to make any important decision and I have learned not to make those big decisions quickly or when I am in the middle of any type of personal chaos.  I try not to say any sharp words that will cut like a knife when I am angry and that I will regret later. We all have our flaws and we know some of them, but we are searching for part of a missing puzzle or piece in ourselves and looking for it in relationships. There is no magic "Yellow Brick Road" to follow or any crumbs to lead us back out of the forest.  I am learning to self-soothe and not place blame on another, but to take that responsibility for my own actions.  I am also learning that I can stay for a day at a time and make my decision another day, and I will at least try very hard to give my decisions a 24 hour window. I can always make up my mind the next day, the next week, or the next month.  Right now, I will say I am in the process of the morning in my 24 hour day to decide how I will feel tomorrow. . People cannot have intimacy or give love for all kinds of reasons. They can be subtly abusive at times  as well. And, even if they do not realize that they are that way, how they got that way, or that they are hurting you, it chips away at what you have had together and makes it feel unsafe to share.  Dr. KC is most correct when she said "A man should not cause your tears, he should wipe them away". Until the next 24 hours passes. Thanks for reading.